LETTERS – Marriage is a partnership of equals

Men beating up their partners. It must be happening, unseen behind closed doors in this area, as in every region, because domestic violence is a national problem.

Recent tragic events have pushed this age old matter into present concern. There are no easy answers.

As a vicar, now long retired, I’ve taken about 300 weddings and in the later years, with engaged couples, I used the Prepare Enrich UK questionnaire to help them consider the various facets of married life. Attitudes and assumptions about relationships, in-laws, children, money and ‘who wears the trousers’ etc can vary so much.

There will be certain strengths in a relationship, and there will be points of difference to be worked at.

But there was always one word of advice to the bride that, for obvious reasons, I could never give.

It’s this: If ever, for the first time, your future husband were to lash out and hit you, then don’t say a word. Clam up and when he is out of the way, pack an overnight bag and disappear. Ring him the next morning and hopefully he will have learnt his lesson. He just can’t do that.

Marriage is a partnership of equals. Disagreements have to be resolved with sensitive discussion, possibly with a trusted third party.
Coercive control can have no place in marriage.

They say that Barbara Bush, wife of the president, was once asked whether she had ever thought of divorcing him.

“Divorce! Never!” she said, “but murder, many times!” Sadly, that can happen.

Rev David Hill
Welland Terrace
Spalding